Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”