When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future