When you try to be humble and say itās no big deal and they agree with youš.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have ābaby on boardā decals, because Iām a good person
I started my diet 2 hours ago, Iām glad thatās over.
Everyone sings āCanāt Take My Eyes Off Of Youā to their selfies, right guys? Guys?ā¦
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Ffs laughed out loud š
Some apples donāt fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rollingā¦and rollingā¦and rolling..
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because youāre a pessimist.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that itās been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024ā¦.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Fun prank: Tweet āBrb gonna pet the tigers in the zooā and then donāt tweet for nine years.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I never thought Iād fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, āis that why your feet look like that?ā
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if youāre ambitious enough.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Check out the legs on this baby
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess Iāll take the booth then
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldnāt breathe
Cop: Why didnāt you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, weāre on the same page.
when you finally break down and clean the kidās bathroom
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that Iām working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because itās a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: Itās a feminine pronoun.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[wearing Worldās Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt