When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine