Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

don’t we all

Meow?

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.