When you try to be humble and say itâs no big deal and they agree with youđ.
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Canât. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since Iâm the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you encounter a bear DONâT RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
âNo new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelingsâ â Tim Cook, hopefully
â˘stay calm
â˘donât run away
â˘donât turn your back
â˘donât make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Iâve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isnât about me.
Charlie Sheenâs herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My husbands signature move is running to town âreal quickâ and coming home 5 hours later.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least itâs keeping you people off the streets
Single and childfree like Jesus
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet Iâd like for you to look at.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, âHave a good day.â He responded, âHave an even better day,â and now itâs a god damned contest.
Iâm a lady of science at least thatâs what my horoscope said
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
dad: Youâre sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: Whatâs a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Whoâs SpongeBobâs best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled âoh my god, do I really look that young?!â and then it turned out she was 17.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parentsâ fridge was load-bearing
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
âNo son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!â I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: âWhere are all the crows?â
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I canât stop laughing about it.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but canât mask the 6 years production gap
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just canât deal with people
Boss: I donât think you understand the concept of a âwork phoneâ