Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Match dot com, but for socks.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

This is so me 😂😂

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.