when you try to move in a video game but you accidentalyl have the chat box open

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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.


Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99


She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.


Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me

Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*

Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily


For gods sake! You’d think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.


The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.


Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War


Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.


They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.


Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.