Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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Cashier: Your total is $3,896
Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Shakira: It’s not you, it’s me
Soon to be ex boyfriend: *looks at her hips*
Shakiras hips: It totally is you, you breathe far too heavily
For gods sake! You’d think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.