Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.