When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
this has to be peak English
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
this is the greatest thing ever
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
cats when you pet them too long:
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese