When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.