When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Mornin
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Well. That’s not a good sign.
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My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.