Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger