You can only regret what you remember.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
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5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”
Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”
5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Gf: am I pretty or ugly?
Bf: you’re both hun 🙂
Gf: what do you mean both?
Bf: you’re pretty ugly.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*
“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.