when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
This made me smile…
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye