@perlhack

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

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@Lerky

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

@iinkedZombie

5: “I’m so tough because I NEVER cry!”

Me: “What?! You were crying about spiders earlier.”

5: *cries* “BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!”

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@LOsepyan

If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback

@lisaxy424

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

@ohen39

[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@yassinovic89

Gf: am I pretty or ugly?

Bf: you’re both hun 🙂

Gf: what do you mean both?

Bf: you’re pretty ugly.

@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.