Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
This line from Airplane.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.