When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
🤯🤯🤯
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer