Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Canadian owl: Eh?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth