When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]