When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Guilty! 🤪
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
A wise man once said nothing.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this