@dakg666

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

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@ErinChack

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

@FilthyRichmond

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

@wildethingy

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

@Parkerlawyer

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

@tarashoe

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

@bridger_w

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

@simonblackwell

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

@lollyadefope

ubereats: it will cost ยฃ3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO