When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Body by Oreos
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh