@dakg666

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@mrtruthandsoul

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

@TheKenyan_

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

@just1fool

My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn’t explain “legally blind” very well.

@stayfrea_

Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit

@juneohara65

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

@DrakeGatsby

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!