I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My daughter asked me if it was illegal to be blind which tells me I didn’t explain “legally blind” very well.
Your girlfriend deserves nothing but the best, so give her my number because you ain’t shit
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!