When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!