Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?