when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me when someone tries to get to know me
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
somebody come look at this
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
A woman drives into a bar.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer