When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Cool shirt 🙂
i love modern commerce
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.