When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
airing out the snack pack
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
A fake ID that makes you younger
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them