if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Oh the world we live in…
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl