when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
You Might Also Like
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?