when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Pretty much. 🤣
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.