Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

I am also baked goods

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

hmm conte-me mais

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”