Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

This made me chuckle.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

wtf is a larm clock?

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies