Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

just got my engagement photos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie