Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

just make the entire table out of coaster

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.