when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Beware of fowl play.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family