when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”