When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Nose
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.