When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
yeah 😭
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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