When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it