When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.