When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Good morning
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
can’t talk my ride’s here
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Reminder:
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy