When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
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I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh