Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Me too 😆

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.