Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

For the orator and chef in all of us

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

Happy thanksgiving

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶