When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I’m about to risk it all
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven