Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

I forgot how to panic. Help

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

…

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.