Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

My fantasy football season is going great

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

dude it’s called proctologist

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”