When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied