When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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[Controversial and unpopular statement]
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.