Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.