Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

I just stopped by to water my horse.

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

👀

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory