When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

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Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.


Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.


[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”


[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.


I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.


Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes


“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently


As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.


Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”


My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.