@Real_Dick_Head

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

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@MumInBits

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

@drwgmawr

Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.

@TheCatWhisprer

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

@Thynebear

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.

@longwall26

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

@robfee

“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently

@aissalanis

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.