When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please