When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
True statement👍😏😁
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …