When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
You Might Also Like
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.