When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug