when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
nyc:
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
