when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
You Might Also Like
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over