when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
#polloftheday
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Always a metermaid never a meter
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
