When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.