Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

I triple waxed for this?

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Uh oh 👀