When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“and how does that make you feel?”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.