Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.