When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat