When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings