Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

I got bills

They’re multiplying

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?