When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.