When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑