When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.