Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

😂

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.