When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.