they really do be looking like this
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Jesus Christ lmao
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.