When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…