Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.