When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred