Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless