When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
broke down and did it
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.