When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna