When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
hmmmmmm
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
How to make infinite energy.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Good morning ☺️
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it