Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

i dont have time for this

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick