Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

You better wish for more oil

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Selfie

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.